I think I woke up at 5am this Saturday. I was excited and I was mortified. The only way I can describe it as a more relatable experience, is the feeling I felt every morning at the end of a cycle (or when I thought I had possibly ovulated in my ongoing long cycles) when I would wake up to pee on a stick hoping for 2 blue lines. I woke up hoping for the adoption equivalent of 2 blue lines.
A wrote an amazingly touching letter to Sam* (which will be my next post). He was of course calm, collected, and laid back about the entire day. Me, I turned into a raving lunatic stressed out over what to where, which pictures to print, and what on earth to say to this young woman and her mother.
I had a perfect plan. I got ready, then went outside to take photo’s of our house and our neighborhood park. I then went upstairs, loaded the photo’s on my computer, and went to send them to Costco so I could print them for the small photo album I had purchased to give Sam*. You see, I hadn’t had time to make this fancy schmancy photo book that I had wanted too. I didn’t have time to make an online portfolio, so instead I decided to throw some photo’s into a photo album to show Sam* our lives and the life her baby would lead with us.
After I uploaded the photo’s of our neighborhood to my computer, I was gridlocked on which photo’s to print. I started looking through adoption biographies online (mistake #1). In doing so I was instantly filled with self-doubt. These biographies of parents looking to adopt a baby were BEAUTIFUL. I felt completely inequipped. A & I live in a nice but modest home. We don’t have acreage to allow a child to run free for miles. A & I both have good career’s which provide a comfortable financial situation for us. We’re not loaded. We have nice cars, but they wouldn’t ever grace the cover of a magazine. We have nice things, but our home would never be in Good House Keeping. We vacation at Disney because that’s what we like, I spent 3 weeks in Europe my senior year of high school, but we don’t take yearly vacations in other countries exploring exotic beaches. I remembered the other couple that was a potential adoptive family for this sweet baby girl- what if they did?
Here’s one of my biggest “issues” with adoption. In the “matching” phase, it so (to me) feels like an advertising game. He who can advertise best, gets a meeting. Now mind you, once you meet with a birth parent, all bets are off, but the advertising (your profile) it gets you in the door (similar to your resume and paper experience gets you into a job interview).
This raised my emotional state to eccentric b*tch. I was literally freaking out. I finally made our photo selection, and was uploading the photo’s to Costco when I hit a speed bump- I couldn’t get the photo’s of our house and neighborhood to upload. I lost it. I lost it so horribly bad that if A would have taken me to a mental hospital to be committed at that moment, I don’t think I could blame him. Of course, A being the amazing man he is, found a solution (or maybe I screamed one at him, or maybe both). He grabbed our other camera, took some new photo’s, uploaded them quickly, and we sent them to Costco.
We left late. Are you surprised? We stopped at Costco, which seriously took 3 seconds, I was amazed. I climbed in the back seat while A drove to pick Sam* and her mom up, and assembled our photo book. It included photo’s of our wedding, family vacations, Miley, our parents, our siblings. It was a brief interlude into our life. I was putting the finishing touches on it when we pulled up to Sam’s* house, my heart beating so fast, it was about to jump out of my chest.