I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus is the son of God, and my Savior. In all my life I’ve never had a reason to fear God. Never. While things happened that made me question or be angry with Him, it was always temporary. I always knew He was in control and He was faithful. God if faithful.
It was this time that I started to over analyze and try to take control back from God. Suddenly everything felt so real, our every hope, wish, and dream was within an arms reach. We were going to be parents, I was going to be a mom. The one wish I had for longer then I can remember. The answer to a prayer I had said over and over and over again. I was going to have a daughter. For all these things I was incredibly indebted to Christ. For all these things I was eternally grateful. For all these things, I was scared shitless.
Until this point in my life I had never had anything to fear God for. I was healthy, had an amazing husband, fabulous parents, and trusted enough in my faith to know this was my physical life. I was content and happy with all aspects of my life (with the exception of my non-existent fertility). On February 19th, that all changed. I suddenly had a reason to fear God. My every happiness rested on this sweet, innocent baby girl, that while I felt in my heart she was my daughter, I had absolutely no claim to her. I was preparing a home and opening my heart to a precious angel that could disappear in a minute.
Suddenly, I feared God. Did He think I was stronger than I truly was? Was He teaching me a lesson? I know that God is not cruel. I know that God has a plan and when we give control to Him, He gives us things beyond our wildest imagination. I knew that if this sweet baby was not meant to be ours, there would be a purpose for her being brought into our lives. Who am I kidding- I knew all of this on paper, but in my heart I was trembling in my boots.
I prayed nonstop. I prayed when I woke up, I prayed over E’s ultrasound photo’s before I left, I prayed at work, I prayed when I got home. I was in a constant state of prayer. Praying for Sam*, for E, for my heart, for my husbands heart. I had no idea what to do, other than to pray.
As E’s due date got closer and our excitement grew, the intensity of my fears grew as well. I didn’t want to be angry with God, I didn’t want to Fear God. I believe that our God is a loving, kind God, and fearing him is something I never imagined doing. Unfortunately, it was an evil hill to climb. My fear continue to grow, and honestly peaked at about 60 hours after E’s deliver (remember the 72 hour rule?).
I feel it’s important to insert this post here, because in the coming posts my behavior and thoughts become well- not of the sane me. I feel it’s important you understand where I am coming from, and how long it built, otherwise I may sound even crazier then I truly
I can honestly say that in the 6 short weeks we had before E came into our lives, my relationship with the Lord grew 10 fold. Aside from my sweet baby girl, this is what I’m the most thankful for.
God is faithful. When we allow Him to be, He has plans for us greater than our wildest imagination. God. Is. Faithful.