Fear- The Darkness Within

I think I’ve mentioned before in previous posts that I never knew what it was like to “fear” God prior to becoming a mother.  I mean, I live a good life.  I have a husband who loves me, the best possible parents on the planet, and some amazing friends.  I know Jesus, and have accepted Him as my savior.  Really I had accepted that I was a resident alien (YL reference there) of Earth until my time here was done.

Throughout the process of waiting for E, and certainly at the hospital I had my moments of fear, which by now you are well versed in.  The thing is, these fears didn’t stop after Sam* signed the consent to adoption.

Here’s the thing, when you adopt a baby, it doesn’t end when the baby is born.  It doesn’t end when a birth parent terminates parental rights.  It ends when you stand in front of a judge and after he reviews your life story, homestudy made up of banking records, interviews with friends and family, a social workers recommendation, and any possible notation you have with the FBI or times you’ve been fingerprinted (like in the third grade when you were fingerprinted for Identa-kid) as well as your sworn testimony and makes the decision that you adopting this child is whats in their best interest.

E was born on March 29th, 2011.  Sam* signed consent to adoption on April 1st, 2011.  E’s adoption was finalized on July 20th, 2011.  This gave almost 3 full months of time in between for things to go wrong.

You see, when you birth a baby, after you leave the hospital, that’s it.  There’s no follow-up.  You take your baby home, and it doesn’t matter if you leave your partner, change jobs, lose a job, or shoot even buy a car after you take your baby home.  That baby is yours.  When you adopt, someone is there to follow-up.  When you adopt, divorcing/separating from your spouse, losing your job, and even buying a car can jeopardize your adoption.

This my friends is where my fear of God all started.  I have to say, I don’t like it.  I’ve always known God to be a kind, loving, powerful but compassionate God.  I’ve always trusted in Him and known that His plan above all prevails.  But becoming a mom changed this in two ways:

1) I now loved someone more than I ever could imagine and would give up life and/or limb for their safety/happiness/livelihood.  E was literally my heart exposed.  The moment she was born, my heart left my body (hypothetically) and was exposed for the entire world to see, adore, love, and yes even hurt.  I knew the moment I saw her that if anything were to ever happen to her, I would be devastated.

2) While Sam had signed her consent to adoption, we still had 90 days (due to state procedure) before E’s adoption would be final.  In that time a multitude of things could go wrong that could cause our adoption process to be jeopardize.  I didn’t want to believe that the Lord would bring E into our life and have us come this far, just to take her away from us.

I’d like to say that I adjusted to this fear, this darkness quickly and moved forward with my life, but to be honest, it still haunts me on a daily basis. While my fear no longer looks like it did this summer, it’s still present, it just manifests itself in different ways.

While it can look different it has one fundamental core.  My fear is simply this: I’m afraid of losing my child.

I’ve walked you through the first 72 hours of E’s life.  In my next series of posts, I’ll be walking you through that 90 day period, and how my fears at time became closer to realities.  I’ll be honest, there are some dark moments, but I hope you’ll stick through it, because while my fear is a constant battle for me, conquering pieces of this fear has given me incredible resolve, and more important shown me how amazing the Lord truly is.

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4 Responses to Fear- The Darkness Within

  1. Meghan says:

    I just found your blog. Can’t believe I never saw it before!

    I have a couple of things to say:

    1. I totally know what you mean. Nothing scares me, breaks me, devastates me more than a hint, a whisper of an idea that I might possibly – at some point in time – lose Ryan. I cannot handle it. It takes my breath away and makes me angry at all that is wrong with the world and makes me wish I was smart enough to figure out how to fix every darn problem that exists.

    2. I understand this as a birth parent who did not have the added worries that you did. I cannot fathom the strain put on you, I truly can’t. Coming home with a baby for the first time is scary enough, quite honestly, without also worrying that he/she might be taken from you at some point. You are very, very strong.

    I am glad you’re sharing this. More people need to understand the stress placed on adoptive parents. And shoot, that little girl is so darn cute, we need the follow-up pics, too!


  2. shelly says:

    I lurve you sister 🙂

  3. We had to wait 6 months to finalize. It was nerve wracking, but it was a formality. Our attorneys and social worker both assured us that something REALLY wrong would have had to happen for finalization to be jeopardized. Like one of us arrested for a violent crime or one of us walking out of the marriage with no word, and even then the other probably would’ve been able to finalize as a single parent. How would buying a car have jeopardized your finalization?

    • Hey Johanna,

      Thanks for stopping by and for commenting! In our state, for certification (which we were in process) as well as at the finalization hearing, a social worker has to recommend you for finalization as well as provide documentation of financial “fitness” or “readiness”. Taking on additional debt while finalizing is discouraged as it can cause a delay (providing documentation). Even if your paying cash- if you had previously submitted those funds as a savings account etc.

      Additionally, our attorney informed us that if something detrimental happened (like a death) or if we were to divorce, our BM would have the option to parent or to proceed with the adoption.


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