You Can’t Make Everyone Happy

A few weeks ago, I received my first “hate” comment.  I haven’t approved it (so don’t bother looking for it) but it’s taken me this long to actually feel like I can address it.

I’ll be honest, when I first read it- it upset me greatly.  So much so that I immediately turned to my good friend Taylor.  Taylor being the amazing person she is, asked me who she should go slap.

Here’s the thing, what upset me wasn’t that this woman didn’t like me- I’m fairly confident I meet people daily who don’t like me, and I’m good with that.  It’s that she said she was “glad I wasn’t her daughters adoptive parent”.  That really stung.  The world of a prospective adoptive parent is all about people wanting you to be their child’s parent, so ultimately this struck the ultimate nerve.

To be an adoptive parent- you have to be picked.  In 99% of adoptions now a day’s the birth parents review profile books (think mini yearbooks about the prospective families lives) and decide which family is best suited to raise their child.  In adoption, people’s opinion of you is a huge, huge piece of the puzzle.  Don’t get me wrong- that’s not to say that I expect everyone to like me- or would want every birth parent to want to pick A & I.

While the process of putting together a profile book and “networking” to find a birth family can often feel like a marketing gimic and sales pitch, the thing is, it still has to be the right match.  A&I could not match with birth parents who wanted to see the child every month.  It’s not the type of relationship we were/are looking for.  Ultimately this is what I had to understand about this woman, Daisy’s, comment.

So in response to Daisy, I would say, you are absolutely welcome to feel that way, because if you do, I likely wouldn’t be a good match as the adoptive mother to your child- and that’s okay.  That’s what makes adoption such a wonderful and miraculous thing- it’s not just about finding a couple who’s willing to adopt your child, it’s about finding a couple who matches what you see for your child.

I would also like to add- that I have no idea how my blog is a reflection of the type of parent I am- but if you honestly feel that this blog is so ugly that you couldn’t imagine your child being a part of my family, that’s okay.  Again, if you feel that way, odds are we wouldn’t work out as a match anyway because it’s not the type of relationship that A&I are looking for.

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6 Responses to You Can’t Make Everyone Happy

  1. What an awful thing for a perfect stranger to say. And what a classy response on your part.

  2. What a great way to respond to that idiot! You go girl!!! *hugs*

  3. Daisy says:

    The comment was made in reference to your lack of respect you show towards Sam* in your blog. I am not an expectant mom, my child was placed in an open adoption a number of years ago. You are right, I do not know your parenting ability, I’m sure you’re a wonderful parent to E but the lack of compassion you portray in your blog to Sam* is heart breaking in my opinion. Sorry it came off as harsh, it really wasn’t my intention. I apologize but reading your blog from a birthparent point of view makes me sad for her.

    • Daisy,

      I tried to respond to you privately, but the email address you provided was kicked back to me.

      Here is my edited response- because I will not air personal details regarding Sam* on my blog:

      Daisy,

      I’ve written you an email because, contrary to your belief, I DO respect our BM, as I refer to her Sam* and will not air her story on my blog.

      I’ve tried to take the higher road here, but this is a subject I am quite passionate about because I love Sam* dearly. My blog is a perspective from an adoptive parent. Adoption is not easy on an adoptive parent either- and I’m sorry but I do not believe there are enough resources for adoptive parents as agencies and attorneys tell us to “shut our mouths and support our birth parents”. I fully agree with supporting birth parents- and fully think a birth parent needs resources to make sure they are making the correct decision for themselves and their child at pregnancy, delivery, and beyond, however there also needs to be resources for adoptive parents. Since these are lacking, I have chosen to write my own story so that other adoptive parents who have similar feelings and insecurities know they are not alone. Loving my child so much that I wish I had given birth to her is not a crime, nor is it disrespectful to Sam*.

      (I’ve had to leave out a very important paragraph because again, it is not information I will share on my blog regarding Sam*)

      You don’t get to read my blog which is written by an adoptive parent to support adoptive parents and judge how much I respect Sam or what my relationship with her is, because that’s not something I air on this blog. I’ve never once made a negative comment about Sam* or talked down regarding her. I have simply discussed my own insecurities about not being my child’s only mother, and loving her so much that I wish I had given birth to her. What I air on this blog are the feelings an adoptive parent has which are perfectly normal feelings and my goodness I’m actually going to talk about them.

      If you believe that the adoptive parents that you placed your child with years ago have never felt any of the feelings I have felt and written about, I would highly venture to guess that you are wrong.

      This is a sincerely sensitive button you have pushed because I do love Sam* and am quite protective over her, because she (like E) deserves to have a childhood with parents who love her and can protect her, and that’s not something she has or has ever had.

      Sincerely,

      Jenn

      • Daisy says:

        My heart goes out to Sam as well. It sounds like she made the best decision with the cards she had been dealt. I would just hate to think that the adoptive family I choose would have been upset at the request of pictures or updates. I can’t tell anyone how to feel, but it struck a cord when I read that you were hurt/concerned that she wanted to see E before she left the hospital. I know no two adoptions are the same, but if I knew the adoptive parents were feeling hurt that I wanted to see my child for the last time before terminating rights I might have been a little miffed. I apologize about the email address, it must have auto filled with an old address.

  4. Jessica says:

    Hello,

    Just wanted to say how much I love reading your blog and I totally admire the way that you express yourself through your writing.

    I feel awful that anyone would leave a disrespectful comment on this blog, but what do you expect when you can hide behind your computer screen as an anonymous judgmental person with no respect for other people’s feelings? You’re bound to run into a few people that just want to make other people feel like crap so that they can feel better about themselves. I wouldn’t take it too personally… but it’s unfortunate that people like that exist.

    Just wanted to let you know that there are people reading this blog that DON’T get the same impression that Daisy has obviously misinterpreted about you.

    I love your blog and I enjoyed reading about your adoption experience, as I’ve always been curious about adoption. My husband and I don’t have any kids yet, but we have been discussing the idea of adoption, so it’s nice to read about one person’s experience.

    Keep up the awesome work on this blog! 🙂

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