A few weeks ago, I found this picture on Pinterest (my
secret love affair):
At first, I loved it, and then, slowly it began to make me sad. I was sad for two reasons. 1) I love this quote, and I love the meaning, but I can’t exactly put it in E’s room. First because there’s literally no more wall space, and second I think I already come a little too close to the line of “psuedo” pregnancy at times. 2) I couldn’t put it in the room of a biological child (if we ever had one) because I can’t imagine the strength of my love for them would be any different then the strength of the love I have for E (quite honestly, I have no idea how I could ever love someone equally to the way I love E- but that’s another post).
Then my heart started to hurt because I was reminded that E is in fact adopted. When I say that it “reminds me that she’s adopted” I don’t mean that in a derogatory way for I am not ashamed of this fact, actually I am rather proud. To me, adoption is a miracle-“a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of divine agency,” (Scott Simon). It made my heart hurt because I’ll never be able to tell her that she grew inside my womb- that she kicked me every time I ate something spicy, or that she had the hiccups non-stop for the last 7 weeks of her pregnancy (ok, well I can tell her this because she DID, but still- you catch my drift). Doesn’t she deserve that? Doesn’t she deserve to get to know the entire story of her life from day 1? My precious baby girl won’t get that and that is what makes my heart hurt.
But just when I think my sadness will turn into grief and mourning of the pregnancy I did not experience, I remember something so much more amazing than that. The Lord grew E for me. From the moment she was conceived, the Lord knew she was meant for me, even if I did not. The Lord grew E for me in Sam’s* womb, and then made sure through years of divine planning that we crossed paths, so we could find each other- all before she was even breathing oxygen. And while she did not grow in my womb, He planted her in my heart, and she grew there. She not only knows what my heart sounds like from the inside- she knows the strength and determination that it has. She knows the love that exists in it only for her. She knows the love of the Lord and watched as He held my crumbling heart at times together with His hands. My dear, precious child knows so much more then just what my heart sounds like from the inside and she will get to know the entire story of her life, because it lives in my heart.
I recently contacted a seller on Etsy who sells original artwork similar to this, I shared my story with her, and we’re brainstorming how we can edit this phrase to better fit our story. I can’t wait to share the completed piece with you.