You read that correctly.
I used the words “blessed” and “infertility” in the same sentence. Lord, if you’d have told me 5 years ago that those two words would go hand in hand in the same sentence I’d have told you to shut the front door (in not so “child friendly” terms) and probably sought solitude to cry my eyes out.
I should probably also say that I’m likely one of the most gullible people you will ever meet in your life and I carry probably 15 pairs of rosie shaded glasses with me at all times. I often use this as a defense mechanism always trying to see the positive in a situation, so if you ever hear me not finding the positive in something (for more then like the initial 30 minute shock of it) it probably means its a really far gone cause. I’m also pretty oblivious to sarcasm and reading between the lines most times (I blame it on always wanting to see the positive, but it’s not always a viable excuse). For example, I’m fairly certain that I completely missed the first time a boy “asked me out” in Jr. High because I thought when he said, “So, Jennie, do you want to go out sometime” he meant like, do you want to go around the block on a walk or something weird, so without giving much thought I simply said, “no, thank you”. That’s me…a real heart breaker from day one. (Not really…not at all actually).
Anyway, I digress. I share these things with you to understand the type of person I am. But I think the most important reason why I see my infertility as a blessing is my faith. I do not believe God has or is punishing me with infertility, I believe He is blessing me with it.
The most obvious fact I have of this blessing is my daughter. If we hadn’t suffered from infertility and had gotten pregnant exactly when I wanted, we wouldn’t have E. I CANNOT and WILL NOT imagine my life without her. He made her for our heart. He made our heart to match her heart. All those nights that I swore at Him for His failures of making me an “incomplete woman” He lovingly took my heated words knowing what was in store for me. He took my abuse knowing that the most amazing blessing was just around the corner, and loved me only asking me to be patient (a virtue I do not have) and even when I wasn’t, still rewarded me with His abundant blessing. Amen.
Infertility brought me closer to God. Further more, it showed me the true depths of His love for me, His ability to give grace, and how amazing it is when He decides to show you a miracle in action by letting you be a part of it. I can say without hesitation that I believe He is in full control of our lives, and I have no doubt or qualms that if He has made more children for our heart, He will move mountains (big or small) to bring us together.
The relationships I have in my life would not be the same without our infertility struggle. I won’t say that all the relationships we have are better for it. We lost a lot of friends in our journey. Partly because of me and my emotional rampage, people didn’t want to be around me, and I can understand that. But to be fair, the people who didn’t want to sit back and wade the tide aren’t people that I’d want with me now. The people who did stand by us and have stood by us through our journey are people I will forever be loyal to, they are without a doubt the truest of true friends. I feel incredibly blessed that at this age in my life I can say that the family and friends we have are true to us, they’ve seen our ugly (well, they’ve seen my ugly, A* doesn’t really have an ugly bone in his body- since he’s so cool, calm, and collected) and stayed anyway. Infertility gave us the Blessing of finding our true friends.
Infertility blessed me with friends I’d never have met otherwise. The proverbial red thread has lead me to some of the most amazing women that I was destined to meet, and infertility and adoption were the way in which God opted to bring us together. These are women that from the moment you meet them, they’re the deepest of friends, never once having been a stranger, rather you see a piece of your soul reflected in them. They’re women whom you instantly love because you know the love they have and are capable of, they’re women you love because you know their pain, their suffering, their sorrow, but more so you know their joy.
I won’t lie to you and tell you that I’m always thrilled with Infertility, but let’s be honest, not ever blessing is one you’re happy with every.waking.moment.of.the.day. Do I get anxious about having more children, of course. Does it sometimes take me a bit to calm down and reaffirm my trust in the Lords timing, absolutely (I’m not going for Sainthood after all). But at the end of the day, do I go to bed at peace, you better believe it.
Still, I have moments. I recently had the privilege of going to a friends elective “is the baby a boy or girl” ultrasound. I was so excited to be there. I didn’t even have remorse about not having that experience with E, because I did get to attend one of her ultrasounds. The part that tugged at me was when E got SO excited about seeing the baby flash up on the huge monitor in front of us. She was SO excited to see that little baby, and my heart hurt. Not because there wasn’t a baby in my womb, goodness I am hearing all about the “not so pinterest” version of pregnancy and can’t say that I’m exactly upset that I’m missing out (remember, rosie glasses people). It was a fear that I was letting E down. That because of my “ovarian issue” I was failing her and possibly taking the opportunity for her to be a sister away. And if there’s a pain that hurts more then the feeling of failing your child, it’s one I never hope to experience.
But it passed. And after sifting through a sea of emotions to which the core was peace, I knew if God planned for E to be a sister, she would be. And that was enough.
It would be really easy for me to discuss all the pains and sorrow’s of infertility (and I already have on my old blog), to discuss how upsetting it is to not be able to do the one primal thing a woman should do, but instead, I’m choosing joy. I’m choosing to feel empowered about the opportunity it’s given me rather then the one’s it’s taken from me.
I’m choosing to feel blessed, because I am…abundantly.