Desperation

For the last month or so I’ve been in a place that is completely foreign to me, a place I thought I had returned my entry pass a long while ago.  It’s a place I don’t want to be, a place I know brings nothing but pain, sorrow, and misery, it’s not a place worth living in.

And the devil knows it.

When I reflect back on the events that have brought me the most happiness and unconditional love, the easiest thing for me to identify is that it took relinquishing my addiction to control (which is quite frankly an awful, ugly process) and coming to peace with not only what may be, but with what is right in front of me for the next chapter in my life to present itself.

The love of my life: I met A 7 days after ending a more than year long relationship with a man I was twitterpated with, a man I thought was the love of my life, a man who quite frankly wasn’t worthy of my time let alone my heart, but when he ended our relationship with me I was devastated, cried for days.  I thought I was unlovable among many other things.  But then, just a few days later, The Lord brought me my husband, a man who most days I wonder how I am worthy of his love.

My dream come true: The day before we found out about E my drawn out internal struggle over being able to procreate came to a head and lead to a break down on the freeway (emotional, not an actual vehicle breakdown).  A point when I felt like my lifelong dream of becoming a mother would never happen.  A point when I had reached and challenged every single relationship I had be it personal or professional over my inability to grasp why I was failing so miserably at the most primal thing a woman is designed to do.  And yet, less then two months to the day of that break down and finally relinquishing control, I was a mama, to the most amazing baby girl in the world.

My addiction to control is a hold the devil has over me and he knows it.  It’s a hold he will fight like hell before he has to relinquish bringing me nothing but a life full of insecurities and bitterness trashing the relationships I love and value most.  I think this recent turn of events caught me off guard because for so long I was so secure in believing that The Lord had an amazing story in mind for our family.  I was so certain of His ability to move mountains to bring our babies to us.  I believed with every core of my being that He would not forsake me.

Until I didn’t.

And as soon as I allowed the smallest sliver of doubt to creep in, Satan knew…he knew and he flourished on it and now I find myself in this bottomless pit of despair clinging to even the smallest grapple I can find to keep myself from sinking further and further into the oblivion of darkness with one simple prayer.

Heavenly Father, can you hear me, have you forgotten me?  I beg you Father, please come back to me.

 

 

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This entry was posted in Amazing Husband, Confessions, Fear, Personal Reflection. Bookmark the permalink.

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