I have about a million other things I need to accomplish this evening, but I have to put these feelings I’ve bottled up into words and release them before I allow them to darken in my heart rotting my soul.
As I’ve previously mentioned I went to a pretty bad place a few months ago, a place of disparity and angst. One that I thought I had reclaimed in my battle with infertility and trials of parenthood. It turns out, I may have won a battle, but the war will continue indefinitely as I see it.
And so, to keep myself ahead of the war, I’ve come here. To express the feelings I’ve been to ashamed/afraid/humiliated/proud (pick your favorite emotion and insert it because I’ve likely felt it) to say for too long in hopes that letting them out will loosen their grip on my heart.
It’s ironic too, because I feel like this disparity hits me when I’m at a peak of confidence. Maybe that’s why they hit me, because Satan so badly wants to claim me. Because misery loves company and he’s likely the most miserable of us all. Just yesterday I was expressing how content I was in our journey, how at peace I was with where we were at in trusting that it wasn’t in my control, so I could simply roll with it. Yesterday I was at peace knowing God would provide a child for our family if and when He made a child to match our hearts.
And today, that peace disappeared. I’m not quite sure why it did. It started so simply and it quickly snow balled into something different. At the root of it came the same phrase I’ve muttered over and over for years.
It’s not fair.
I realize that life isn’t fair, and by making that statement I likely sound like a high school drama queen. I own that. I don’t want to revel in that sentiment for months, or weeks, or even days. So, I’m saying it. And I’m saying it knowing that as horrible as I may feel about my “unfair” situation right now, I could easily think of a dozen people who are in an equally or more so “unfair situations”.
But for this moment, I’m claiming my situation unfair.
I feel like I’m being punished. I feel like God is not providing the child I so desperately want right now because He doesn’t think I’m worthy. I feel so alone in the journey, and feel like A & I are alone because we’re not worthy of having the support other’s have. I am so ashamed of the way I feel because I know how blessed I am to even have E. I have such an internal conflict of emotions and feelings raging in my head that I’m almost certain that if anyone else caught a glimpse of what was “going on” up there, they’d have me committed because it certainly cannot be normal to be in such a conflict with yourself.
When I attended Created for Care this past March, the worship band included Crowder’s song “I Am” in their line up. When one of the musicians introduced the song, he stated that sometimes in our relationship with God, it’s not just about us holding on to Him, sometimes, it’s about Him clinging so desperately to us. On evenings like this, when I feel like a feather is all that it would take to push me over the edge, I literally play the chorus over and over and over again in my mind:
I am, holding on to you.
I am, holding on to you.
In the middle of the storm, I am holding on, I am.
And I focus on one simple prayer:
Hold on to me oh Lord, please, don’t let me fall.