It took a while yesterday for everything to process for me. After writing last night, I fell asleep and it was when I woke up that everything truly sunk in. I spent the later part of the night and well into the early morning light crying.
People who don’t know me or A very well often think that I’m the decision maker in our relationship. This is false, I am the loud one in our relationship. A isn’t incredibly social, I wouldn’t say he’s unsocial, he just prefers to observe, so I suppose people often mistake his quietness for passiveness, but he’s not. He is my rock, my better half, he is the person God designed for me to grow old with, and behind every single thing I plan or participate in, he is there.
Six years ago, I was preparing to marry this incredible man. I was so excited that I couldn’t even calm myself enough during our opening prayer, I just wanted to marry this amazing man before me.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but marrying this man was by far one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Most people thought we were crazy for having an outdoor, Friday night, June wedding (in Phoenix), but we didn’t care. We knew the people that showed up were the people who would show up for us over and over throughout our marriage in both good times and bad. And they have.
Not everyone get’s to know A the way those in his inner circle do. The majority of the world would likely describe him as reserved, shy, and well mannered. If you truly know him, you know he’s hilarious, sarcastic, and often doesn’t stop talking. He also happens to be one of the most intelligent and most geekiest guys I’ve ever met. We suit each other beautifully.
The first thing I thought of yesterday, was our trip to Hawaii which is literally in seven days. I think directing my attention here made it easier for me to process as our trip was something I could take action on and taking action always sounds better than having to hurry up and wait.
But when the initial shock wears off, and you’ve done everything you can to handle your business for the next week and a half, you’re left with the raw feelings you’re trying so desperately to escape. I laid in bed last night with E and A and just watched them sleep, crying into my pillow. I prayed. I yelled. I apologized. I prayed some more. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I adore him. Our wedding anniversary is a time when we’re supposed to be reflecting on the life we’ve built together and the life we have yet to live, together. This isn’t the time when I should be running scary scenario’s through my head of a lifetime of memories without my better half by my side.
But it is. And tomorrow morning they’ll cut into his bone and take out this tumor and while this should bring me relief that it’ll be gone and that we’ll know, it only brings me fear. And more than I want it out to be dealt with, I want to rewind time and go back to when I didn’t know this reality even existed.