I’ve been writing a lot this year about grace and growth…well, maybe not writing a lot, but of the writings I’ve done this has been a central theme. This post will be no different.
They say that you become a completely new person every seven years. That within a seven-year time frame every cell in your body has had the opportunity to regenerate. Maybe physiologically that’s only semi-true, but as a metaphor it feels so.very.true.
I’ve been in a place the last few weeks that I haven’t been in for quite some time. The last time I was here was about 5 years ago, when I felt like no matter what I did, my plan for my life wasn’t working.
And it never did.
It didn’t work because God in His infinite wisdom had an even better plan, one that I couldn’t even imagine. One that lead me to the outcome I so desperately wanted (motherhood) but in the most amazing way to the most incredible little girl.
So, here I am again, feeling those same feelings about other avenues of my life (not about motherhood). I’m working hard on my nursing program, but continue facing adversities with everything from my actual classes to my actual program. The program I thought I’d do isn’t an option, switching programs means adding classes that have absolutely nothing to do with my degree (hello, history of lost civilizations?) and in turn adding on additional semesters pushing back graduation and the light at the end of the tunnel.
I use this as an example of the place I’ve been the last few weeks. This place of knowing so desperately what I want but feeling like it’s just so out of grasp that I’m ready to just say, forget it and return to the comfort of the life I knew. And I’m stuck in this place of wondering is this God telling me not to do this or is this satan trying so hard to keep from doing it. At what point do I head to the obstacles in my life and say “I give” accepting them as divine intervention?
As a control addict, Type A personality, feeling like the certainty I have about my life and future is questionable is one of the hardest things to handle only second to having no control over my daughter’s health and/or safety.
A dear friend commented on an Instagram photo I posted that stated “This shift in your life is too big for your blessing not to be”. Her response was another similar quote that stated, “God cares more about your character than your comfort.” I’m trying to remind myself of this as I navigate these waters of uncertainty, but it’s hard.
Life is hard.
As I prepare to enroll E in kindergarten, finding a school for her in our state (which is ranked 50th in education, #AZAwesome) is exhausting. It’s very likely that I’ll have to change my campus location to accommodate her elementary school choice and that’s assuming I’ll be able to have some say in my clinical schedule. Trying to figure all of this out with the continued hurdles in my nursing program honestly make me wonder if it’s worth it. Maybe it’s just not the life I’m meant to live.
Maybe, it’s not the life God has intended for me.
Maybe I need to just take a step back, return to my life as Jenn, the stay at home mom.
Maybe I’m not meant to be #JenntheRN.